Positivity Is Poisoning the Holidays (but It Doesn't Have To)
Here is an antidote the poisonous pressure to be happy, especially during the holidays.
Toxic Positivity
Some years back I had dinner with a friend whose husband had tried to smother her with a pillow. We met in an Italian restaurant. Tears rolled freely down her cheeks as she related the story over our main course. Their bed. A minor fight. He probably didn't mean it. She probably caused it. If she behaved better he probably wouldn't do it again. What did I think she should do?
At one point our waiter walked over and (this being America) asked us gleefully, “How is everything?”
And (this being America) I replied with equal glee: “Great! Thanks!”
The circles in which I walk generally demand happiness: “Have an amazing day!,” I’m told every single day, and in the face of misfortune, “Don’t let it get to you!”
Even when real sorrow or tragedy hits, the pressure is for optimism. People can get away with saying, “I’m sad...” as long as the rest of the sentence starts with “but...”
After “I’m sad my father died...,” listeners expect to hear “...but at least he didn’t suffer” or “...but at least he lived a long life” or “...but at least my mother is still alive” or some other “but at least.” And if the speaker doesn’t fill in the “but...,” the interlocutor often does: “At least you still have your health,” for example.
This is toxic positivity — an outrageous, heartless, unfeeling, and unrealistic ban on anything that isn’t superb. And it’s killing us.
Not Being Okay
Largely in response to this disastrous state of affairs, a slogan has arisen: “It’s okay not to be okay.”
But no.
It is manifestly not okay not to be okay. The whole point of dividing things into “okay” and “not okay” is to distinguish the second category from the first.
Suppose I slip on the ice in Manhattan. Lying on my back, writhing in pain, unable to stand, barely able to move, I look up and see concerned onlookers.
“Are you okay?” they ask.
“No,” I say. “I’m not okay.”
“Well,” they reply, “it’s okay not to be okay!”
We would never accept such an approach with physical pain. Why do we tolerate it, and even encourage it, with emotional pain — particularly when emotional pain can be more severe than physical pain?
We shouldn’t.
A Middle Ground
There is a better way to approach these things, a middle ground. It emerges from a closer look at our common assumptions.
One reason many people say, “It’s okay not to be okay” is that they tacitly assume that only a happy state of affairs is okay. They group “unhappy” with “not okay.” And this brings us back to toxic positivity.
Even in the midst of sorrow, though, we can actually be okay, despite modern society’s expectations. So it’s okay to be miserable. It’s okay to mourn. It’s okay to miss loved ones. It’s okay to have a hard day. It’s okay to cry. Just as it’s okay to rejoice, to celebrate, to cherish loved ones, to have a good day, and to laugh.
At the same time, life’s misfortunes can, at times, be so debilitating that we are not okay. Those cases are true emergencies.
Most of real life, however, lies between the emergencies and the popular culture of “have an amazing day!” Most days are neither amazing nor emergencies. Rather, most days are a mixed bag, with ever-changing proportions of the good and the bad.
Humanity has known this for thousands of years, only to forget it in modernity:
Sorrow lies within happiness. Happiness hides within sorrow. 1
Joy and grief seized her to her core.2
No human passes through life unscathed, completely unharmed.3
For no one on earth was born to be fortunate in everything.4
There’s even a whole ancient treatise5 that underscores the “mixed-bag” nature of our lives.
So — especially before the holidays — practice saying a few short sentences: “I’m sad.” “I’m in pain.” “I miss...”
And practice hearing them.
These sentences are complete in themselves. They don’t require qualification. They don’t need a “but...” And they are okay.
Sometimes, in fact, what makes misfortune “not okay” is the very pressure to discount it. Counterintuitively, by non-judgmentally accepting the unhappiness in our lives, and in the lives of those around us, we actually diminish its power to overwhelm us. By acknowledging the ubiquity and appropriateness of unhappiness, we actually let it live side by side with joy.
Albert Einstein is reported6 to have said that a theory should be as simple as possible, but not simpler.
Similarly, our most realistic expectation for the holidays is not for pure untarnished bliss, but for as much happiness as possible.
Merry Christmas and happy Hanukkah.
祸兮，福之所倚，福兮，祸之所伏。Laozi, Tao Te Ching, Chapter 58, 4th c. BCE.
Τὴν δ᾽ ἅμα χάρμα καὶ ἄλγος ἕλε φρένα. Homer, Odyssey, Book XIX, Line 471, c. 850 BCE.
Οὔτις μερόπων ἀσινὴς βίοτον διὰ παντὸς ἀπήμον᾽ ἀμείψει. Aeschylus, Libation Bearers, Line 1018, 5th c. BCE.
Οὐ γάρ τις ἐπιχθονίων πάντα γ᾽ εὐδαίμων ἔφυ. Bacchylides, Epinicians, Ode 5, Line 54 ff, 5th c. BCE.
“The Life of Adam and Eve” from about 2,000 years ago.
It’s probably a misattribution.
I just happened on your post. I’m sure that this is exactly what most people need to hear. So thank you for writing it. As a parent and a philosopher I only offer my students (including my children) the truth: your life is the only life you get to experience; there will be pain and sometimes suffering, but don’t be afraid to accept this reality. “Happiness” while not an illusion (and not subjective) cannot be pursued. Viktor Frankl, who survived the Holocaust, teaches this point in his writings on his life. That we take the necessary steps to survive (whatever our challenges may be), day-to-day, and at some point we can reflect upon our life that its sum is good (and happiness ensues) because we were the agents responsible.
“Life is not something, it is the opportunity for something.” (Viktor Frankl)
Simple - but not TOO simple. Joel, you're a humanistic Einstein (or whomever actually said it)! Glad I got turned onto this "new" project of yours. I look forward to more in 2025. Wishing you a happy and healthy (but not toxically so) New Year.